A LETTER TO ERIC
Friday, Jan. 03, 2003 - 6:42 p.m.
That which I see, I am aware of.
That which I experience, I understand.
I watched as you suffered with your pain. I know you were aware just how much you were loved by so many in dland. I know it was not love from others that made the terrible hole in your heart. I know the thing that got to you was that you felt you were unable to let anyone close to you. Because when the cute side of you was not showing, and suddenly you were an emotional burden to those who grew close, you were hurt. Hurt on at least two counts. Not being accepted for who you are. And hurt by the knowledge that you had hurt someone elses feelings.
I call you my friend, not because we hung out chillin'. Not because we go way back. Not because we were close. I call you my friend because you have the ability to look beyond yourself. And to see. And to understand. And to accept. And to appreciate. To have that from another person is all I have ever wanted. I know that is all you ever wanted.
I know all these thing because you told me so, Eric. Actually you told anyone that would listen, didn't you?
You left the first note I ever got in my notes. You wrote me in emails. And you wrote to anyone that cared to know in your diary. I have very little of a physical nature to remember you by. I have memories of you. I hope I never lose those.
I wrote you one time telling you that you need not respond. Because I knew you slept the majority of your day, and I did not want to take up your time. I know you appreciated that. I also know that every time I did ask you to respond, you did. I am torn, Eric. I want to ask you to respond, and I feel so selfish about that. I know you have made sacrifices for me by responding before. So how could I not do the same for you?
I will leave the choice to you. I will be alright either way.
If you have gone where you said you were going to die, I hope as you look into those stars above the Mojave sands, somehow sparkle a message to you of hope. I want you to change your mind, and have tried to talk you out of it in the best way I knew how. I know in some measure, that is selfishness on my part.
If you find no hope there, sleep well my friend. May you find peace in escaping the shackles that have bound you for so long. My acceptance is all I have to offer you.
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