I Will Take The Middle Ground
Monday, Dec. 23, 2002 - 11:24 p.m.
As I was growing up, my mother tried to tell me that people were basically good, and could be trusted to treat me the way I treated them. My father on the other hand despised such wisdom, and tried to instill in me the thought that people are all bad, and none of them could be trusted.
I despised him so much for reasons I won't go into now, that I embraced wholeheartedly my mothers view of the world. It just seemed to me, that a man with as much evil in his heart as dad usually had, couldn't really know much.
Sure, there were many signs along the way to let me know that expecting like treatment from others could sometimes lead to disappointment. Like a person in a new love, I just overlooked all the little red flags in my interpersonal relationships. I saw my mother used in selfish ways many times, but whenever I questioned her about it, she would just say, "Everyone has a bad day, or moment now and then."
Now there is a lot to be said for tolerance. That doesn't mean there is anything noble in making one's self a doormat.
Moderation has never been one of my greatest attributes, so faced with two so out of sync ways of looking at the world, I chose white over black, and just let people walk on me for most of my life. I told myself that, they were doing the best they could with the information they had, and reminded myself that I was incapable of considering the results of some of my actions on the lives of others myself, sometimes.
Of course there was the ever-present fatherly criticism of I told you so. This always cemented my decisions to take the higher ground of trust, over the lower ground of distrust.
I only wish I had learned a little bit sooner that actually, there was no black or white here. They were both right. I no longer strive for the higher ground, I seek not the lower ground.
I just want to find the middle ground. I know it is there. I can see it from up here on this wall where my words and thoughts live. I have been to the mountain tops, and I have been living in the valley.
Now I sit here on this wall, and with small steps, my desired destination is no longer the top of those mountains, only to reach the middle ground.
Thank you to a wonderful person for reaching down your hand to help me out of this valley. You know who you are.
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Indy - Friday, Dec. 11, 2009
ain't that a bitch - Tuesday, Apr. 07, 2009
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