I am so far off track in writing in here.

I hope that changes soon.

My lower jaw and teeth are stuck between bad and not good with lots of pain added for flavor.

My surgery was stopped after about half an hour because apparently I could not take it. It has been rescheduled for a week from monday.

I am existing in a drug induced fog interspersed with brief moments of clarity, and the greater the clarity the greater the pain.

I hate pills, and especially ones that slow me down, and dull my senses. It is hard for me to imagine why someone would seek this feeling without needing it.

I am writing this only to let anyone who reads this know what is going on with me physically.

It sounds like I am bitching and really unhappy when I re read it.

Well it is only what is going on physically, ok?

I have not been happier in a very long time.

I am being well cared for, and having no loss of income thus far.

I would smile bigger, only I don't want my face to crack.

Seriously.

I have not focused on reading or writing much, and that is not something I like much. It is like I am showing no appreciation for all the kind words passed my way. That I regret, though I cannot seem to focus on it enough to rectify it.

I am happy because, all this physical is temporary. Some people live with pain their entire life. Some people live with taking drugs that inhibit their preferred lifestyles to the point where the are secluded.

I am having none of that.

And besides, bottom line is simply this...

Ok worst case scenario if there is such a thing as number one.

If you tell me that someone has killed someone I love, eventually, I will take comfort in some aspect of it. Like they died suddenly and so did not suffer.

I am addicted to finding something positive in the most negative things. I am not bragging. It is just my nature.

So lucky me.

I have three surgeries scheduled in the next two weeks.

This should vastly improve my physical life, and actually allow me to continue living in one instance. I don't know if I will write more about them cause it all seems so negative, and masks well my contentment with my life right now.

So, I might as well say it...

I am going to die.

Only not from any of the things going on with me right now.

I have no fatal diseases, or injuries.

So hey how bad can it really be?

I am not even going to be handicapped more than temporarily by anything happening right now.

Life is good.

Future looks even gooder.

yes I know the word is better.

I am such a rebel.