I want to write in here so badly, and yet I cannot seem to take the time to write coherently, so I keep updating my other diary, because it is raw and I don't concern myself with how I write in it.

Still, I think my life has spun out of control and I need to get a grip on my time, and sort out my priorities.

I am going to the doctor on monday, and I will learn a lot about all the tests I have been taking.

I have not spent much time thinking about what I will hear, because it can be anything from really horrible news to really great news, and not knowing which, I see no reason to dwell on the possibilities.

Now that the times is near, I suppose I will think more about it. Of course, I may not, now that I am working seven days a week again.

I don't really have the energy to do that, only I have no choice. Well Ok, I could choose death.

Let me say I have no realistic choice other than to do the bidding of the ones who have all the power in this matter.

I have slept a lot this week, and still it does not seem to be enough.

Ok, this is starting to be of no interest to me now, and I can only imagine what someone else reading this must be thinking.

Sometimes, I get so many google hits on this diary that it just amazes me. Almost all of it is for alien porn and raliens.

I really am feeling alien lately, and I wish I could return home.

If I only remembered where home is, I would go there. Only I doubt that it is any longer in existence now anyways.

So if anyone is reading this, and knows where I can find out about how to live here, would you be so kind as to send along the info to me.

Or even if you just have some words of wisdom that might put me on the right track, please leave them in my notes or guest book.

I mean I may as well try to learn to live like the locals to this planet. See, where I come from, is a much less hostile place, and needs are much more easily met than here.

Not many would take this seriously I suppose.

I can understand that. So just pretend that it is real, and let me know what you know about survival on this planet.

I don't need the logistics, like how to gather food or shelter and whatnot. I mean I want to understand people, and how to interact with them.

I am doing a poor job of it lately

When I do find one that seems a little less alien than the others, and more like my kind...

it usually turns out to be more wishful thinking on my part than reality.

I am big on trust, and seek no subterfuge.

I don't want to figure out how to play.

I don't want to play.

Well actually I do enjoy play very much, only I like to distinguish between it and non play.

And I do not like to play games that cause discomfort to any parties involved.

Am I the only one on this planet that feels that way?

I looked in the mirror and I do not have the word "prey" on my forehead.

Perhaps I need to more quickly reveal my darker side haha ok just my self determination really.

That does seem to be a very distateful attribute to most of my acquaintances. I think I spelled that wrong.

Oh someone show me the way, or at least point me in the right direction.

I suppose that is asking too much isn't it?