Not rock bottom, just a bit rocky.
Thursday, Jul. 03, 2003 - 4:57 p.m.

I am not sure why.

Seems like I need a reminder from time to time just how much I like being alive.

Joni Mitchell said "Don't it always seem to go that you don't know what you've got til it's gone?".

I wouldn't argue with that, I would add though that sometimes I don't know what I have until it is threatened.

I am taking eight different drugs now on a daily basis, and one injection on a weekly basis, and will likely have to inject a second and take another set of pills daily.

The funny thing to me about this is that only two of these drugs are to fight the virus I have, and all of the other ones are to combat the side effects of those two.

This week has been especially difficult because of side effects, and the news that my blood levels have taken a rapid and large drop. They are still in the safe level, and this is one of the reasons I have bloodwork done every week.

The problem with the blood will possibly be resolved by injections of procrit, and also pills called neupogen. If not, my interferon and ribavirin will be cut in half. I am not sure where I will inject, as the ones I do now leave red marks half the size of my palm, as interferon is destructive to tissue.

This week my biggest problem was with nausea, which seems to be semi-resolved with a drug called compazine.

I have never in my life been suicidal. It has crossed my mind a time or two, and to me it always seems out of the question. One of the side effects of this treatment can be suicidal or homicidal ideations. I am now taking a drug called prozac as I was experiencing a near complete lack of patience. Though not required, it is strongly recommended to take some kind of anti-depressant while on this tx.

I had an extensive interview with my primary care physician, and she told me I was very depressed. I was surprised and told her so as I did not feel down all that much. She said mine was manifesting as anger and obsession with this viral infection and treatment.

I know I feel much calmer now, and forget that I am doing this tx for as much as an hour at a time now. Of course when severe side effects like not being able to sit more than fifteen minutes are with me, it is difficult to ignore the pain and forget why I feel this way.

My insomnia has been another side effect that has been partly resolved by a drug called ambien.

When I am extremely nauseated, it is almost unbearable with the dizziness and all. The other sides only make me more determined to kill this virus, and remind me of how good it feels when I feel good. LOL Strange sentence there. Kind of like I am only in pain when it hurts.

I have hardly thanked anyone who gave me well wishes, and that bothers me. If you are reading this and I have not thanked you, I am sorry. I will try to do that soon. I do appreciate it when I get a note or something that encourages me. This is not a plea for notes either :). I do have a pretty large support group online of people with this virus and going through treatment. Some are not able to take the tx as it proves more deadly than the disease. So I am lucky at least so far that I am able.

Life could be a lot better. Life could be a lot worse. I have had a couple of days in the last two weeks when I felt better than I did before I started tx, and I look forward to the time when my life can return to "normal" haha what ever normal is.

Now if I only wanted to eat, I think I would stop being hungry.

In a couple hours I will prepare an injection, and go for round three. It is only hard when I think about how it may make me feel. So I guess I will think about how I will feel in the end.

OK I almost wrote a non fiction book here, and I don't expect much royalties from it. haha

Nevertheless, here is part of the record of this tx and how it is going.

It looks like I will live until I die, and that is a pretty good deal. I expect to be around for a lot more years. So I will take the chance and be ill for a year so the rest of them may be better.

If you are reading this...

Smile ok, I am.

I cried that I had no shoes, then I met a man who had no feet.

previous - next

Indy - Friday, Dec. 11, 2009
ain't that a bitch - Tuesday, Apr. 07, 2009
Did I say Lapse of time? - Saturday, Feb. 21, 2009
Looks like Saskatchewan to me - Tuesday, Nov. 18, 2008
- - Monday, Nov. 17, 2008

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