Who do I think I am? I know.
Sunday, Mar. 09, 2003 - 3:23 p.m.

I don't think I could be responsible for someone else being happy. I could fake it maybe, only I know that I don't always make myself happy. So how could I do that to someone else?

If I keep a lot of things to myself, and only show the world the things that I wish were me one hundred per cent of the time, then the world would be split between those who thought I was fake, and those who thought they wished they lived my life.

Ha ha, and probably a few other groups with most thinking "Who? Dave who?"

It used to go like this for me...I would meet someone. I would make some sort of judgement on what I thought of them as a person. Me judge? Yeah, judge. Only now like then, I am pretty lenient in my judgement. So ok then I would find some people who I admired as I got to know them.

Some I wanted to adopt a certain amount of their character in my own life. A role model if you will. Those were the people that I would ignore the little or sometimes big things about them that I did not care for.

Actually I tend to do that with almost everyone whether I admire them or not.

That is not really what I did not like about what I did with people in my mind.

If I admired someone enough, I would eventually put them on a pedestal, or on the mantle. There they would be a picture of perfection which I had created in my mind, though unaware I was doing it myself.

Then the inevitable would of course occur. No one could possibly live up to the image of them that I had created. No matter whether they even knew I had set a standard for them that was an impossible one.

The closer I would observe someone, the more likely I would see a flaw in their actions. They were not behaving as I had created them to. So they had disappointed me by not living up to the unrealistic expectations I had placed on them.

I rarely ever do that anymore. I am aware that people have weaknesses, and flaws just like I do. People usually do not flaunt such things, as they are things of which they are not proud. Or at least that is my fantasy explanation for how human interaction occurs for the most part.

It is the things that are less than desired in others that truly helps me define my relationships.

The fact that I like something about someone is not much of a mark of my feelings for them. Of course I like in others that which I admire. And of course others like in me the same. It is when what I believe differently from others that the tale is told for me.

Am I able to let another person be who they are even if I do not admire things about them? Do people accept the things about me that they do not like?

It is not that I would mistreat or shun someone because of lack of acceptance on my part or theirs. It is a matter of how much of me I am willing to share with someone.

And how much do I want to be involved in the lives of those who have values different from mine.

I think that it is difficult, if not impossible to be very close to someone without a certain amount of who they are having an influence on who I am.

Not that I am so weak that I become someone else as if I were a chameleon taking on the color of my surroundings.

Certainly in the sense that if the sun is not shining on someone I stand beside, it is likely shining less on me than if I were standing by someone bathed in it's rays.

I have been thinking about this lately. I am big on asking why when I see something seemingly out of focus. Or very sharply focused.

I know for sure that others are often not as strong as they look. I know I am not either. haha Unless I am looking totally weak, not an accurate picture either.

I am important enough to me to be influenced by those I choose rather than those who by circumstance I run into. And the standards I set for myself are far greater than any I set for others. Sometimes too high.

After all, who do I think I am?

I will not leave without answering this question.

I am somone worth knowing, even if I am less than I wish I were.

previous - next

Indy - Friday, Dec. 11, 2009
ain't that a bitch - Tuesday, Apr. 07, 2009
Did I say Lapse of time? - Saturday, Feb. 21, 2009
Looks like Saskatchewan to me - Tuesday, Nov. 18, 2008
- - Monday, Nov. 17, 2008

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