My focus is sharpening here now.
Saturday, May. 24, 2003 - 6:16 p.m.

I was taken to dinner and a movie last night.

I have been thinking about how much my lifestyle has changed in the last year.

One year ago, I was just beginning to meet a few people and I had just moved into the place where I live now.

I was homeless only about two months before that. I had no one on the planet that I really considered my friend. I felt very alone in all this, and like I had been cheated.

So I bought a computer and decided I would look for companionship and even maybe friendship online. I tried going to chat rooms, and quickly abandoned that as they seem to be filled with mostly thugs and thieves who would jump on a person as soon as they entered.

So I went on a search, hoping to find someone to write emails back and forth to so at least one other person on the planet would know I was alive.

I found a whole lot more than that when I found this place, and I started to become acquainted with a lot of people here. A lot of them came and read what I wrote and I could not understand why anyone would be interested in it, and I still cannot. I just know I got a lot of notes and gb entries.

I emailed a few people I met here, and eventually started to talk to people in im.

At the urging of some, I began to venture out some into the world again which I had rejected for a bit. I made some friends who I am not really very close to, though they seem genuinely interested in my well being, and my every day affairs.

I find myself writing less in here than I used to, and more in my other diary. The things I write there probably make sense to only a handful of people, and what I write here, seems not to be of much interest to many either.

I find that sad in some ways, as I did enjoy the interaction I used to have with people through writing here.

I still do not find what I write all that interesting when I look at it from the point of view as if I did not know me. Apparently few others find it all that interesting either.

At the same time, I have found my life to be more and more intertwined with a friend I have made in the non cyber world. I am thankful for that, and the many things we share.

I have been on drugs for so long now, well I don't really know how long though it seems like a lifetime. My head is finally starting to clear more and more, and I am able to focus much better.

I really want to write about things in my life in this diary in a clear manner like "normal" writing. I like to use my other one for free flowing expression of whatever runs through my mind at the time.

Hard as it would be to believe to most who read there, it all makes perfect sense to me, and the connections are all there. Of course I do not supply enough words there to explain what I am talking about sometimes.

I often wonder if anyone reading it may think I am mentally unstable, or on drugs, alcohol or whatever. I do care what people think about me, only not to the point that I will stop playing with my words there. In fact if it makes sense to others or not, in my blue z diary I record things the way they actually appear to me in concepts and thoughts in real time in my thinking.

Here for the most part I try to remain civil and follow somewhat of a protocol in the formation of my sentences.

So I believe for the most part, I will leave the mystical to my other place, though it is not mystical to me, and I will probably refrain from writing in here until I have something to say that is important to me in a historical sense.

Ok, alright then, I see the little scroll bar on my right is shrinking so small that I must have written a lot here.

Maybe I will write about...

nah, later.

previous - next

Indy - Friday, Dec. 11, 2009
ain't that a bitch - Tuesday, Apr. 07, 2009
Did I say Lapse of time? - Saturday, Feb. 21, 2009
Looks like Saskatchewan to me - Tuesday, Nov. 18, 2008
- - Monday, Nov. 17, 2008

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