Sunday, Jan. 19, 2003 - 7:11 p.m.

A lot of people have asked me about my children. And why don't I know where they are. And how did I lose them.

I think I will write about that. I think I will write about how I lost all of my family, and friends, and my mother.

I just have to figure out how to condense it into 25 thousand words or less. So until I figure out how to do that. I will just have to wait. I have tried to write about it more than once in here.

It always leaves me at a loss for words. It is a painful thing. Yet even though I write about painful things in here sometimes, I am never without hope. No matter what may hurt, as long as I am alive, I know that I may once again find them.

I read an entry today that helped bring into focus a little better what it was about the thing that made it so hard to look at. The entry talked about things disappearing. Well not things, more like people disappearing from a life.

I am a visual type of person, and sometimes words just don't do it for me. That is exactly the visualization I needed to focus on my situation.

I had two mothers. The first one died in a car crash when I was five. She just disappeared in my eyes. One morning she was there, and then I never saw her again.

The second one was there for a long time. And then, one day I remember holding her in my arms, and I remember feeling her very last breath on my cheek. Eighty seven years of taking breaths just finally coming to an end in that moment in time.

It was not as sad a moment as it may sound. It was a beautiful moment in fact. She suffered greatly, and was ready to go. Her only wish before she died was that it be in my arms. And I had gone to California for that week, and I made it back in time to keep my promise.

The sadness of it did not come until later. When I realized that the one who had loved me best, had gone. And could never be replaced.

Today, I am able to put a visual to all of that. She like everyone else I have known. Even the ones I didn't like or care for have disappeared.

I know that is why I have been so distant for these last three years. What is never there cannot disappear. I am changing that though. And I am glad. I will write about my homelessnes, and the disappearance of everyone and everything in my life. Just not today. Not right now. Because I hear the voice of an angel calling me.

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Indy - Friday, Dec. 11, 2009
ain't that a bitch - Tuesday, Apr. 07, 2009
Did I say Lapse of time? - Saturday, Feb. 21, 2009
Looks like Saskatchewan to me - Tuesday, Nov. 18, 2008
- - Monday, Nov. 17, 2008

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